Getting a little hysterical about the History Channel Coda GREG BEAN All right, I officially give up, andmust resign myself to the fact that I may never watch anything on theHistory Channel again. As most of you know- at least those of you who get your cable television service from Comcast as we do in East Brunswick - March 27 was a big day. That day, the company went all-digital in its service. For weeks in advance, we had been warned by banners streaming over the top of programs that after March 27, this or that show wouldn't be available to guys like me without something called a set-top box. So I started trying to get ready, but there was some question over whether we actually needed a box. The company's Web site was confusing on the issue, but the first two people I contacted at Comcast, after navigating perhaps the world'smost infuriating phone system, said yes, we definitely need one.We could get one, they said, at our local cable office, but first we'd need to return those boxes they gave us years ago that adapted televisions that weren't "cable ready." "But I haven't used those boxes in years," I whined. "I don't even know where they are." "Well, you have to find them and return them, or there'll be a charge," the Comcast lackey said. So began the Great Box Hunt at the Bean home, a hunt that eventually culminated with the discovery of one box in the paint cupboard and one dust-covered box at the back of an armoire. With obsolete boxes in hand, my wife went to the local Comcast outlet to turn in our old boxes and get new set-top boxes so we could continue watching cable television. "Does your cable come froma wire?" the Comcast person asked. "Yes," my wife said. "Our cable is magically delivered via a white cable that comes through the wall and hooks up to the television." "Then you don't need a set-top box," they said. "Only people who get cable over the air need those." "That's not what the other Comcast people said when we called them," the missus pointed out. "They were wrong," the Comcast person said. "You don't need a set-top box. Come March 27, nothing will change. Business as usual." So we figured we were good to go. Until the night of March 27, however, when I came home, kicked offmy boots, and turned on the History Channel. My wife calls that network "Nazis on TV," but I like the stuff about old Egyptians andWildWest gunslingers better. Alas, on Channel 56, where the History Channel had always been, there were no Egyptians, no cowboys, no survivalists eating roots and worms. There weren't even any Nazis. There was only fuzz. I started getting a really bad feeling in the pit ofmy stomach, because it looked like another attempt at conversation with Comcast was going to be unavoidable. Next morning, I girded my loins, took a preventive aspirin and called Comcast. Before I could hook up with a human being, however, a recorded voice informedme that in an effort to bring their customers new programming, "plus other great service enhancements," subscribers would need a settop box to get a fewchannels after all. Those channels were AMC, which I watch occasionally, the Cartoon Network, which I never watch, and the History Channel, the only channel I ever watch regularly. "Say what?" I groaned, although the recorded voice on the other end did not respond. "I need a set-top box, onemore piece of sophisticated electronic gadgetry that I don't know how to use, just to watch ONE CHANNEL?" "This is Comcast's idea of a service enhancement?" I asked the recorded voice. "Thanks for the favor, lady, but next time don't bother. Keep enhancing at this rate, and the only channels I'll get are the Home Shopping Network and the local cable access channelwhere the lady is always doing stretching exercises." Iwas getting a little excited,maybe even hysterical, but of course, the recorded lady did not respond. She didn't even sound sympathetic. Eventually, I decided that despite the frustration, I had to persevere until speaking with an actual human being. But after I was informed that our conversation might be recorded for quality control purposes, Iwas shipped into some phone queue limbo from which no one ever escapes. That time, I stopped waiting after 20 minutes on hold. The next time I stopped after 10. The third time, I just said to heck with it and slammed down the receiver. It makes you wonder how many mummified corpses are out there with phones to their ears, people who lived out the remainders of their natural lives waiting in the Comcast service queue and died before their conversations could be recorded for quality control purposes. Maybe "60 Minutes" will do a segment about it. I decided to go back to the cable office that weekend and get some of the stupid boxes (I'd need a separate box for every television in the house), but friends who've tried the things say they're so complicated they don't think I'll be able to use them. "Greg," one said, "it took you sixmonths to learn how to work your cell phone, and you still haven't figured out how to take a picture with it. You can't even work the defrost feature on your microwave, and you havemajor issues with the automatic brew buttons on your Mister Coffee. Is it really worth giving yourself agita so you can watch the History Channel?" And the answer, I'm afraid, is no. There's a woman in our office who has figured out how to use a TiVo, so maybe she'll record some of my favorite History Channel programs if I get really desperate. The last few times I imposed on her good nature, however, I got the impression that her generosity was about used up. To avoid becoming a pest, I'll probably save her for the next season of "Deadwood" or "Rome," since I don't have HBO. Beyond that, it looks like it's time to upgrade my Netflix account. So far, that company hasn't enhanced my service by reducingmy programming, and they've got about a bazillion things I haven't watched yet. There are even about a dozen discs of "Planet Earth," which I seem to remember enjoying on the History Channel in its preservice enhancement days. Now, if I could only find out where to rent a couple of seasons of "Wild West Tech" on DVD, my life would again be complete - even without a damnable set-top box. Gregory Bean is executive editor of Greater Media Newspapers. You can reach himat gbean@gmnews.com, or invite himto watch the History Channel at your house.