Red State/Blue State
We watched the television and screamed, 'He's back!'
DAVE SIMPSON & GREG BEAN

A political discussion between Red State conservative Dave Simpson - a former reporter, editor, publisher and columnist - and Greg Bean, Blue Stater and executive editor of GreaterMedia Newspapers. Let us know what you think.

Dear Greg:

Suddenly, there's a new spring in my step and a wonderful feeling of optimism that I haven't felt in months, Mr. Big Blue State Newspaper Editor.

I guess you could say I'm keepin' hope alive out here in the Red States, looking for evidence there can be change, Change, CHANGE during this tough presidential campaign, which up until the other day wasn't going well for greedy, hard-bitten, rock-ribbed Red Staters such as myself.

Don't get me wrong, though. This has been one whiz-banger of an election season, one for the record books. It has done my heart good to see your Democratic friends accusing each other of things you normally save for us Republicans. It was a red letter day when our lefty friends in the news media suggested that Bill Clinton was being kind of racist in his comments about Barack Obama's win in South Carolina.

We Republicans are used to name calling like that, but suggesting that Bill Clinton's comments were racist? Hoo, boy, carve a notch on the kitchen table. This is UNPRECEDENTED. And, as long as Hillary stays in the race, the delicious question remains: How far will Bill and Hill go to destroy Barack?

It has been great entertainment, Greg, but, until the other day, I believed that if your party nominates Barack, my party is in trouble.McCain has trouble passing the True Republican Saliva Test, as you know, and he looks downright geezer-like up against Obama. I figured that, fun as this all has been, we'd better batten down the hatches for at least four years of touchyfeely Democrats in the White House.

By the way, what's Monica doing these days? She had that touchy-feely thing down cold.

I figured we could survive, because presidents aren't emperors, despite what you see on MSNBC. And, I was kind of looking forward to attacking your president for a while, after eight years of you attackingmy president, which hasme plumb tuckered out.

So, what is the cause of my new optimism? Two words, Greg: Ralph Nader.

Just when things were looking grimfor Red State Republicans,Mr. ConsumerAdvocate went on TimRussert's show and decreed that Americans deserve more choice in this election, and he isn't about to deprive us of him.

Is that the sound of Al Gore's teeth grinding that I'm hearing, Greg?

Even if just a small percentage of knuckleheads in your party throw their votes to Nader, it could make a difference in states like Florida and Ohio. Maybe splitting the vote could blunt the big turnout you guys are seeing thanks to Obama, who as a state senator solved all of Illinois' problems (you could check it out), and now wants to do the same for our country, even though he's not saying much about how.

I'm keepin' hope alive, Greg. And that hope is this: For your party, Ralph Nader may be unsafe at any speed.

Sincerely, Red State Dave

Dear Dave:

I watched Ralph Nader announce his candidacy on television, and all I remember thinking was, "Where are all the pianos falling from the sky, like in those old cartoons, when you really need one?"

I watched him talking for what seemed like an eternity and … NO DAGUMMED PIANO! I tried to will one to appear magically out of the sky - a big baby-grand model that would squash old weasel-faced Ralph flatter than Kansas - but apparently my Reality-Altering Super Mind Power doesn't work when it comes to conjuring falling pianos on network television. More's the pity, if you ask me.

I absolutely could not believe that narcissistic chucklehead plans to put us through thismisery again.He's apparently heard all those thousands of supporters yelling, "Come back, Ralph! Be our president!" but doesn't realize the voices are only in his head. The rest of us (people with functioning brain stems, and limited access to mind- or mood-altering drugs) wish he'd just catch the first slow boat to Kazakhstan, where he could audition for a part in the next Borat movie and leave the rest of us the h-e-double-hockey sticks alone.

I realize a wiseman never says never (a wise @#$, sometimes). But even so, I will never (NEVER!) forgive Ralph Nader for mucking up the waters down there in Florida so badly that he costAl Gore a win, thereby giving us years of the Shrub. I don't always agree withHillary Clinton, but I did agree with her when she said after Nader's announcement that he is "responsible for George W. Bush."

I know Ralph says that isn't true, but I don't care what he says. If you're tooling along in your automobile, zoned out in your own little world while you yap on your cell phone, and cause a nasty accident, you're responsible. That's the law in this country, and that's what happened in Florida. Nader was tooling around in his little convertible that burns used deep-fryer fat, listening to a recording of his favorite speeches on his headphones, and he wound up causing the traumatic accident that was the George W. Bush (Shrub) presidency.

As far as I'mconcerned, he ought to pay for that near-criminal activity against America, that malicious mischief. But instead of locking him away in some place with bars, cold showers and bread-andwater casseroles, we let him go free. Now, he's back, and not only isn't he sorry he screwed things up so badly, he doesn't even seem embarrassed and wants to do it to us again. Oh, the horror! The horror!

I hope Barack Obama is right when he says it will be hard forNader to be a spoiler when the election is likely to be a clear and massive victory for the anti-Bush party, but I'm not ready to forgive and forget the guy. Therefore, I'm using my Reality-Altering Super Mind Power to turn him into a Republican. It apparently doesn't create falling pianos on the TimRussert show, but itmight work tomodify the behavior of the gadfly Naderus Jerkicanus. If it does, he'll be your problem.

Your hopeful friend,

Blue State Greg

You can reach Greg Bean by e-mail at gbean @gmnews.com. Dave Simpson can be reached at d_simpson@bresnan.net.