Are We There Yet?
Risking it all for a few really good bargains
LORI CLINCH
I'm not one to toot my own horn. Yet, you should know that I'm quite the Christmas shopper. I clip coupons with a fury, research the items on my list, buy the best stuff for the cheapest prices, and have been known to be the envy of the Blue Light Shoppers Club.

Yet, it is my love for shopping that recently landed me in the middle of a parking lot and fighting for my life.

It was Black Friday, and although I hadn't brought along a Sherpa to help me haul my wares, I prepared for the day as if I were making a quest for Everest. I wore the right clothes, downsized my purse and made good choices when it came to my shoes. I was ready to brave the cold, fight the crowds and leap to the front of the long lines.

"Hop out here," said my sister-in-law Micki as she dropped me at the mall entrance. "I'll go and park the car." It was decided that I would work my way through the crowd, snatch up the bargains and that she would meet me in the end zone. Wanting to be as light and efficient as possible, I chose to leave my coat in the car.

It wasn't so much that I thought that the children just would enjoy a new set of towels or that I needed the 500- thread-count sheets or the new set of knives, it's just that at the prices that they were being offered, a prudent shopper such as myself couldn't simply walk away.

My bags filled quickly, my load became cumbersome, and it became all too obvious that I would need to take a load to the car.

"Well, you just go to the end of the mall," Micki said as she handed me her keys, "and then go left. There'll be an exit there, go out that door, walk to the end of the parking lot and face west." She then added with all of the confidence in the world, "You'll see my white SUV, and when you press the button on the keychain, I'm sure that it'll honk for ya."

Towing three heavy bags, I left Micki in the middle of the mall and followed her instructions to the best of my abilities. It wasn't until I was unable to find the exit of which she spoke that I began to worry about my knack for following directions. It wasn't until I was in the middle of the mall parking lot that I began to doubt my talents for finding a car. And as the cold wind whipped about my ankles and my coatless spine, I knew that I would never make that quest for Everest. No sir, this experience would be as close to adventuresome as I would ever get.

I stood in a seemingly endless sea of white SUVs, and I'm here to report that although I dragged my purchases through their midst, and pressed the button with a frenzy, not a stinking one of them honked back at me.

My back was aching, my fingers were freezing, and although I'm loath to announce it, my coffee was going right through me.

I continued to wander aimlessly. Searching frantically and dragging my bags, I kept pressing the button on the key chain, hoping against all hope to hear a honk. I had all but given up when I raised the keychain into the air and pressed it twice. It was at that precise moment that I heard a "Honk honk!" Praise be! Just as sweet and victorious as it could be, a car somewhere responded to my command and I took it as a sure sign that I had been saved.

I was happy, I was victorious and I was giddy with relief.

I was downright ecstatic until I pressed it again and realized that the honking car was anything but Micki's white SUV.

Although I never saw them, I knew there were other shoppers who wondered where that crazy, coatless gal was going. I knew that thieves must be watching and waiting for me to drop so they could steal my bags. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that somewhere far in the Western hemisphere, a white SUV was honking as its owner scratched his head and wondered why.

The situation seemed hopeless and I could almost read the headlines, "Local woman dies in quest for car," with a cute little caption under it reporting, "Sources say, 'We always knew shopping would get her in the end.' "

The next time Black Friday rolls around, I'm totally bringing a Sherpa.

Lori Clinch is the mother of four sons

and the author of the book "Are We

There Yet?" You can reach her at

www.loriclinch.com.